word discharge

hope

2009-10-03T07:32:00.001-07:00

You lead a flock of the most peaceful birds

into the palm of your hand

have them fly day after day

in sun and sand

nestle the barest patch

veil the parched strand

let them sip

with your hands in their throats

this is how it feels

to hope...

Though hope is not whats left of either of us

yet the birds that you left in my hands,

as they solemnly quench their thirst and soar away

have the flight of a dawn so dazzling,

as none have seen nor I

but only in my dreams

that betray falsely enough

to let me dream again...

The skeleton in the closet

2009-09-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

rom the end of the hallway came a very loud screeching scream, and a boy about 6 years old, came running into the drawing room waving his arms like a flamingo. He had not realized there would be so much noise and clatter in this room, he had probably only wanted to be free from his cooped up asylum of the dreary room they always put him whenever guests came, but too late, the noise was so unbearable and the number of people around so intimidating that he started crying helplessly, “Mama! Mama!” His older brother, embarrassed and perplexed, took him back to the room and decided to stay there himself with him for it was not possible for him to answer everybody’s questions for the rest of the dull evening. This is how the regular lives of most families with children with developmental disabilities and autistic tendencies are spent when it comes to social gatherings and events. It is their way of life from that defining moment when a special child becomes a part of their families. The child with special needs who is raised like a skeleton in the cupboard is deplorable and yet what other way is there for the confused families whose lives have been beset forever. The answer does not lie with any single source.

The birth of a baby is usually anticipated with great excitement and expectations of a future filled with happiness and success. This exuberance may become muted with the birth of a disabled infant. It does not matter if the handicap is blindness, retardation or a physical abnormality. The family into which this child is born will change in some ways.

When it comes to mental illnesses, it is easy to be unsettled, especially as a parent, the responsibility becomes complex and less rewarding in many cases. The fear of the unknown and lack of awareness even among the better educated creates misunderstandings and stigmas. The future of these children is unsure and insecure and parents in majority of cases due to financial and societal pressures are given to adopting mismanagement in raising the children whose special needs demand special care and rearing.. The society outcasts this population and there is no mercy or understanding when it comes to providing support to families of such children.

Having a handicapped child born into a family and grow into adulthood is one of the most stressful experiences a family can endure. Parental reactions to the realization that their child is exceptional usually include shock, depression, guilt, anger, sadness, and anxiety. Individuals handle each of these feelings differently and may stay in certain stages longer than others. Some parents perceive the handicapped infant as an extension of themselves and may feel shame, social rejection, ridicule or embarrassment. An initial parental response may be a form of emotional disintegration. This may evolve into a period of adjustment and later into reorganization of the family’s daily life. Some parents cannot cope beyond the emotional disintegration. They must then decide whether to give the child up for adoption or to place him in an institution. This decision is not easy and is stressful to the family. However, the concern here is with the family that chooses to raise their special youngster at home.

A number of practical problems may make living with a handicapped child especially demanding. Foremost, there may be financial strain to provide necessary medical expenses, special equipment, possibly special schools and care takers in the parent’s absence. The family may find it difficult to entertain friends at home or to visit others. Transportation may become difficult if special equipment must be transported with the child. Kiran B. Ahmed a working psychologist is of the view that: Psychotherapy can play an important role in educating the parents and families with mentally disabled children - and not just educating but also attuning them to the situation. A mentally disabled child has problems as regard intelligence but his / her emotional and physical capacities are unaffected. Such children need love and care as they are growing up and their security needs must be met with. Predominantly as they reach puberty and bodily

changes occur, families need to know how to deal with the circumstance effectively. To make the process easier, it is of utmost importance to find out the level of educability of the child and then synthesize it with that of the adults and others in the household. Cases of abuse have become rampant and neglect is common leading to a sad and unnecessary deterioration of what might have otherwise been a better scenario if dealt with properly and not left to fester in the hands of servants etc.

Nazia Bashir, a clinical psychologist working with slow learners and autistics at The Living Institute of Special Learners, says that the major problem she has come across with parents of special children is that of the acceptance of the child’s problem. Most of them according to her are less knowledgeable and remain in denial for a long time about the exact nature of the trouble. Reality sinks in later as parents keep focusing on the causes of their child’s handicap rather than on intervention. Genetic causes and familial patterns of a particular disease remain a point of apprehension and uneasiness.

The acceptance of a handicapped child into a family may be eased if parents have an opportunity to meet with other parents of children like their own. Within these parent groups, parents learn that their problems are not unique. They have a chance to share experiences, learn how others have coped, and work with others to find solutions to common problems. This can greatly reduce the guilt and stress many parents feel. There are online communities, like Autism Meetup, that connect families. Meetings and support groups are organized with the motto of healing a whole family instead of rehabilitating just the outcast child. In this regard, Aeny, a clinical psychologist working at an NGO for children with learning disabilities in Karachi, personally feels support groups like parental associations help a lot in understanding the child’s problem plus overcoming the frustrations and anxieties which the parents have in their minds by at least discussing out while seeking help through professionals as well. Not only for parents but sibling support groups also work out well because they are also facing emotional disturbances. Besides this Parental education regarding their child’s diagnosis, intervention and setting up realistic goals and concerns is equally important, so that they can understand their child well and work with him and provide better environment so that their child can function well.

The effects of a handicapped child on his siblings are very profound. Some evidence suggests that many children can adapt themselves to the presence of a disabled sibling but that they tend to adopt the attitudes of their parents towards the family situation. Faber (1963) studied the effect of retarded children on their normal brothers and sisters. He found that the variable which seemed of greatest importance to the siblings was the degree of dependence of the retarded child, that is how much he was able to do for himself. The more dependent the child, the more adverse was his effect on his siblings. In other words, the more responsibility required by the normal siblings (particularly girls), the less likely the handicapped child would be welcomed into the fold by his brothers and sisters. Jealousy and resentment may also develop if the handicapped child requires most of his parents’ attention. When they are pushed aside or expected to assume maturity and responsibility beyond their years they are likely to suffer serious consequences. Parents might be advised to acknowledge and be sensitive to their other children’s feelings regarding their handicapped sibling. It is important to not make the disabled child a burden to his brothers and sisters. Additionally in most case the handicapped child would probably be happier in activities in which he is not only welcome but an active participant.

While a handicapped child may provide additional stress on a family, Mahoney (1958) documented some positive effects. He found that the disabled child can have an integrative effect by focusing the family’s energy in a concerned, loving manner, thereby minimizing some of the other day to day problems. Some parents expressed a new appreciation for life and ordinary things they used to take for granted.Ayesha, sibling of an autistic girl believes that her sister’s presence is blessed for their family. She feels her sister is literally”the angel” in their house that brings them all closer and connected as a family. In conclusion we may say that although steps have been taken to improve the psychological well-being of a family that has to support a child who’s mentally handicapped, the efforts are nonetheless insufficient. There is a need for proper counseling of parents and families as a regular part of special school programs and individual intervention programs conducted by professionals. For the benefit of the child’s welfare it is necessary not only to involve the family in the intervention but to keep their spirits alive and their psychological health secure, for it is after all the whole body that needs healing and not just any of its parts!

Take Bliss

2005-12-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

Following is something I've cherished more than anything I've written or anything I've read in my entire life:

Take bliss, I just tasted bliss, it's an awesome feeling, its bold, freeing, escape to eternity, possession of all you want, and surrender of entity, its like your warned you will be slain, but you want it to be so, and slower you give up the ghost, deeper the cut runs, the more red it is, and you just drown in your own pool of blood, and you swallow it and your chest inflates, and your heart bursts, and you are free of life, and you love, and just that, you meet, and then you wait to meet again, and then that's life, in two halves, meeting and waiting, and the moment you meet you fear departure, and when you depart, you fear that may be you never meet again, and you fear a falling leaf, and you pray, pray for not yourself but for circumstances and you touch and you want more the contact to run an echo in your being, as if some one plucks out your spinal cord, and it jolts you, and you notice the sky, you have not seen the sky for ages, its always been there, but you see it then, and its bluer, and nicer, and when you just sit, and your stray thoughts are not stray no more, and when you wake, a name is in your mind, and a face is in your eyes, and your heart misses a beat just for that, I am in love, hell yea! And last of all that song, the one you never understood, and people you found naive, and dreamers you thought were impractical, and all the clichés, the alternate reality of a roadside freak show, and if you had promised not to give in and you did don't let your faith break a second thought, its when you release your feet from the edge that you realize it is not the gravity that binds you it's the fear of falling that never lets you fly. Even if you crash and burn, you have one consolation that you weren't born a bird afraid of heights. Till the end comes and end comes even to death and of all certainties an end is the most abject, remember that love song that you never understood. And so in the book I write my definition of love.

there will be changes...

2005-12-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you think you are so definite and sure about yourself that nothing can move you an inch from the resolutions youve made with yourself. I can remember a time I used to think I'd become a great person, a great human being one day, someone who is actualizing her full potential, someone who is giving the things she belives in, her best shot, someone whos living for a cause but now as i look at myself I see somebody who wants to hide away in scattered words on a stray piece of paper...someone who's not even close to being a human being rather than a great human being, the one she used to be so sure shed be one day. But there are things that refresh your faith, that renew you, I am probably just too tired to look for them, I want things to come to me and if they dont then Im fine with being a nameless faceless person who lives a life like many others do in this world and go away...
20/12/2005

very rewarding day!

2005-10-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

today the child that had been mute ever since he came to the hospital started talking to me only after one day of our meeting! He sounded like he would never feel the need to talk again he was so silent yesterday, but today when i started asking him what hed want to have the most and gave him the options of balloons he said yes. It was a slight, meek and hardly audible yes and the most beautiful thing i had ever heard! then i asked him what colour balloons and he said red! i just so loved that kid in that little instant! his accent wasn't very comprehendable for me but i just kept relishing his sounds and the way he kept playing with me with a huge smile on his face! then when i was about to leave i asked him to write his name on his colour book for me and he tried writing mine too! that was the cutest thing ever! today i realized how a toally unknown person can bring happiness to the life of a desolate person, i would definitely not call myself the desolate one but even then i dont think i gave him more than what he gave me today he gave me the greatest gift; the satisfaction of the soul!in a strange way he completed something in me that noone else had ever before? what was it? i still cannot word it properly only in very oblique terms like satisfaction of the soul...but all i know is a child, be it very young or older can bring out the mother in you by a single gesture of his which is the best feeling in this entire world!

14/6

2005-10-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

She breathed fire to give life to her broken soul and everytime she did ittook so much of her strength that she remained senseless even in the process of creatinglife. Her strength was born in the midst of impenetrable pain,it made her weak first, she thought she could take nomore, but somehow a starnge sweetness embalmed her.She called out the name she wanted to hear like echos around her but no voice came out...yet there he was, emerging out of the strange sweetness, shadowy bleakness,blocking out every single thing and suddenly piercing her, reality had shot through!

being and unbeing

2005-10-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

I felt bad today. Apparently its just a random, ordinary statement coming from a regular, normally functioning individual who is liable to such feelings, but for me although I should be counted in the same category for there’s no uproar in my life, it means more than a mere feeling. Its an emotion full of self-disgust. It is not the pity we all feel for ourselves when we say this usually because I actually do feel bad today and not for my own self, although I am repulsed by this emotion I feel, but for the two people I would want to like each other, the two people who came in my life at a time when I needed them most- one prove to be the water I could not survive without and the other the fire I had lacked all my life. I became dull, I was morose, I was quiet because all of my insides were being eaten by the fire, but I liked it, I cherished it, I devoured each moment of the warmth it gave me, the light it lit up inside me, although on the outside, I only became weary and lost. The fire drove me insane to a point where I could not think anymore. I was frozen inside a block of ice getting closer to the fire in order to break free of the ice, not knowing that I was only nearing the fire too dangerously, and then it happened. I had jumped into, forgetting my mortal existence, tired of melting, drained of having been still for ages. I donot remember when and how I came out of the fire, I just know that when I regained my senses I was floating on the surface of a river, with the sun shining right above me, the sun that had melt me down, that had been my savior from an ice age of
biter cold realities and frozen lies that I had knit around my self, lies I thought would make me so strong one day that I would not remember what they really had been… that is all past now and for me both the sun and the river were there to nourish me back, to take me into their arms. I was once again in a sanctuary where I could live again, free of lies, free of restrains, only if I had not known that my two friends, my liberators had gone apart in the struggle to rescue me. Why does love of a mutual person not bring two people together. Maybe it does, in this case it is my fault they lost their friendship, the anger my mistake arose in them, they took out on each other. No it was not wrong, they did what they felt and all because of a silly mistake I made, something I cannot regret and cannot undo at the same time…

for effective adjustment?

2005-10-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

i have shifted to my new house i miss my old home my old room with the huge jhonny bravo i had once painted on its wall! what to do now! i miss everything so terribly! i feel like an old woman being fussy about her used to things and routine but i cant help it!

undefined emotions

2005-09-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

14th september,2005
rain...
it has always left me with a strange kind of satiation, ever since i was litlle i used to become happy at the sight of the great black clouds that bring rain, even when they floated away and didnt rain. the whole ambience created by them was enough to make me happy, like sometimes when you really want to eat something good and savoury, and you cant have it so you satiate yourself by watching a cooking show or by reading something that will arouse your tastebuds and give you the same pleasure. thats called compensation, defence mechanism in psychological terms, something i really didnt know at that time, now i do but that does not affect or change my sentiments about rains. sometimes i think im a little too passioante about it, maybe im obsessed a little but then who isnt attracted to beautiful things, and rain is beautiful... atleast i like it that way...
sometimes it is sad
sometimes it is cruel
sometimes its even manipulative!
it has its own character and for someone like me who gets fascinated with mountains and streams and winter fog and a starrry sky, it has sentimental values, but today i felt a strange restlessness while i watched it rain. i was unable to define what feeling arose in me. i took a walk in the rain, i kept sitting outside for a long long time but i still could not understand it, maybe i did not understand my own self. it was lonely as i kept walking around the house in the dark, quiet quiet dark, i felt as if there was noone in the whole wrold around me except my own self and for the first time in my life, i felt badly about it. for me being alone has never arose this kind of unrest, whether im surrounded by people or im actually alone, it has been rather blissful for i liked it. i like being by my own self, playing my own foolish games within my own self, but recently that has changed a lot. i feel as if i have deserted my own self, as if i have walked too far off... i did not enjoy the rain as i used to, i just felt strange emotions even as i went through the same rituals i go through , i have been going through for a long time, everytime it rained. today i could not understand what was the rain like, it had hit me with something bitter-sweet and left me in between. what is it? what game has it played with me today? and i am still wondering... thinking...
yes now i realize, i missed you today, i had not wanted to walk alone anymore and could not have you, so the rain could not help me either, it just rained as it always does, poured and poured as i pondered over my thoughts, thoughts too painful to admit, thoughts that dont help even if they are fathomed, and this is exactly what happened today.

autistic thoughts

2005-09-07T04:39:00.000-07:00

here is a poem my sister wrote when she was in her tenth grade. this piece of verse has a lot of personal significance to me because being sisters i can relate to what she wrote vey easily...to the fact of having an autistic sibling, i went through the same phase she did when i was a teenager and still am and still going through the same phase of trying to understand and at the same time trying to understand my responsibilities and trying to know the difference between how i grew up and how others generally do, others who never had the experience we all had...and yes it was and still is a very rewarding experience beacuse it opened our eyes to a very different world and made us understand and believe in the creativity of the great Lord!this does not mean at all that no other person can relate to this poem it has a penetration in its simple diction that goes beyond the mere phenomena of autism...autism is a whole lifestyle a whole pattern of thoguht and that is exactly in very simple words and a 15 year old's comprehension is going to give you here:
I,yes me who's presence the world does not want to feel.
i want the world to listen to me
listen to the words i speak
donot be amazed!for i can speak
i CAN speak .
i want the world to look at me dont just pass by!
those empty looks frighten me .
i want the world to understand me
understand what i say
donot sneer i make sense
yes i make sense
just that you donot speak my words
if only i could learn your w ords or if you could understand me
may be if any one would listen , listen real close maybe just maybe !
Mariam Saleem
Copyright ©2005 Mariam Saleem

transitoriness of solitude

2005-09-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

there are no more lights as everytime sands envelope my entire body.
i go down in unsure depths of an unknown void
unknown because my eyes are blind in the dark
im raised to the surface to see distant twinkiling of lights.
and then sink back
this circle repeats, this unending process of appearing and disappearing
till i become weary and lost
become aloof to the experience
just go up and come down
dwell on pain,
for its the only thing to dwell on underneath
emerge out of nowhere to breathe the fresh air once more
as i go up
again
to see the twinkling lights i know will fade.

2005-09-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

The generous king gave me everything
he gave me silver, gave me gold
gave me stars, gave me hope
i was laden beyond my dreams
i was lost in the moment of blessings
and even so, for me without the silver,
gold, stars and even hope,
he was everything!
but the generous king thought so not.
generosity gives way to loss
as i see when all the silver, gold,hope stars
laugh down at me from high above
mock my existence
im just a gipsy girl,
asking for love!

chat with an OCD stranger

2005-09-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

Here is a chat from my msn that i had some time back with a guy who had mailed me earlier asking if i had OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) and that whether i could contact him in future if i did. I thought of the mail as someone playing a prank on me, someone that i knew who would know that im a clinical psychology major and would probably become enthusiastic about the whole affair. Interesting enough this person added me up on msn later on and during the course of this chat that we had i realized that he sounds unmistakeably like someone i know very closely who was also online at that time and the only person online on my list at that time other than this stranger. The friend that was online told me to get rid of this person as he thought of the stranger(his nick was stranger in the mirror) as some prankster bugging me at such a late hour of the night(it was around 4:30 in the morning). So as i was thinking of ending the chat in a peaceful conclusion of some sort this person suddenly and very abruptly ended the conversation which by the way had turned to some personal issues. Today when i read this chat i somehow get the feeling that this person, the stranger that is was the same friend i was talking to at that time, and i keep getting this feeling again and again...dont know why...
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
Aplogies for adding you randomly. I wont take too much of you time. Just a couple of quick questions. Did you get an email from this address regarding OCD a few weeks ago ?
bob says:
i guess
bob says:
why may i ask?
bob says:
?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
oh, i thought it might have ended up in the junk mail, thats why i added you. I guess if you got it and choose to ignore it you wont be interested in talkin abt it even now, correct ?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
an answer would be highly appreciated. I wont bother you if you dont want me to.
bob says:
i thoguht since it was an unknown address it might have a virus
bob says:
where r u from?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
from Karachi,
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
and yourself
bob says:
lahore
bob says:
wat did u want to talk about?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do you have OCD ? you dont have to answer that if you dont want to
bob says:
no i dont
bob says:
do u?
bob says:
do u have ocd?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
yup i do. Some how or the other i got the impression that you did have it. Thats why i emailed you.
bob says:
well
bob says:
i dont but im studying clinical psychology as majors i might be able to help a little
bob says:
have u seen someone for it?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
oh yea for 11 yrs now
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
when i saw your nick i thought you would be able to relate with it. Thats why i sent you the mail.
bob says:
who a doctor or a therapist?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
both,
bob says:
which nick?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
neah, it went had to abt comedy and you had OCD mentioned in it
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
went was a typo *
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
can i ask how old are you ?
bob says:
im 19
bob says:
yeah comedy doesnt exist without OCD that one?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
yup, that one
bob says:
so how effective is therapy for u?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
so you are pursuing your bachelors, is it
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
if it was effective i woundnt be adding strangers over msn maam
bob says:
well
bob says:
im sorry to say therapists in pkaistan r not very good
bob says:
lack of education and training both
bob says:
the oogd ones mostly go abroad anyway
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
ammm, i had 5 years of therapy in the states too.
bob says:
ahan
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
OCD is complex, the general span of time before being diagnosed or getting a suitable medicine which suits you, or bring you to a moderate level of functioning is 17 yrs
bob says:
i am again sorry abt the american health system
bob says:
and its efficacy
bob says:
but then againi dunnt know to wat extent ur problem interferes with ur life
bob says:
OCD can be manageable but not completely curable
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
you are quiet intelligent for a 19 yr old. Are you pursuing your bachelors in clinical phys
bob says:
yes
bob says:
but i might ;eave it
bob says:
leave
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
where from, if i may ask
bob says:
punjab university
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmm, and why would you leave
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
arent enjoying it enuff
bob says:
its over taxing sumtimes n frustrating
bob says:
in punjab university
bob says:
and i have sum personal reasons
bob says:
where did u get my email id from by the way
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
i saw it on a friend's msn list, got the address while he/she was not looking.
bob says:
which friend
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
after the OCD had caught my eye
bob says:
which friend if i may ask?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
ammm that wouldnt be very prudent. I am sure as a physe student you are aware of the sensitivity which patients feel about their indentity
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
identity *
bob says:
but i wudnt know u nonetheless
bob says:
i just want to know where u got the address
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do you know rasham
bob says:
rasham,?
bob says:
no
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
rasham akbar
bob says:
no
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmmm ... well i wont bother you any more
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
thanks for the time,
bob says:
sure
bob says:
if u need any help
bob says:
or talking
bob says:
u can always talk abt it
bob says:
im sorry i didnt take ur mail seriosuly
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
nopes it ok. Can you spare a few minutes right now
bob says:
yeah im already doing that
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
true. Actually the condition of OCD is compounded by reoccuring depression
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
and ppl in Pakistan deal with all this very negatively. As a taboo
bob says:
wat kind of obsessions do u have?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
perfection,excellence. Not the usual hand rubbin type
bob says:
hmm
bob says:
wat do u do
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
what do i try to do would be more apt
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
since it hardly ever gets done
bob says:
wat?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
OCD is instumental in lack of functionality. Sometimes even common day to day functions. Thats why i said, ke what do i do se behtur is what do i try to do
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
I am pursuing my masters
bob says:
i know but i meant to know wat do u do nonetheless
bob says:
in?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
busniess (mba)
bob says:
from?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
University of Illinois at Chicago
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do you feel that ppl in Pakistan view pshycological illness as smthing negative
bob says:
yes they do
bob says:
why did u leave chichago to cum to pakistan
bob says:
by the way ppl do dat eberywhere i think
bob says:
things they cant explain they hold negative views about them
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmmm, you know what. I was involved with this girl for 5 yrs. Really liked her, i mean in for marriage n all that. She broke up with me 2 weeks after i told her i had OCD
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
i guess you are busy.
bob says:
no you go ahead
bob says:
she didnt realize u had ocd
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
neah, i told you mine is more on the depressive side. Rather then the hand rubbing.
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
and other physical stuff
bob says:
ok
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do u think she was justified ?
bob says:
i think u have a right to be liked howver u r and people shud like u with the knowledge of the fcts of ur life
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
so do you think i mislead her for this long ?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
when i did tell her, she left. So was it my fault
bob says:
sumtimes things r not anyones fault they just happen
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmmm
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
ok bob, thanks for your time. Its really appreciated. Allahafiz
bob says:
alrite

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
alrite
(the names have been replaced)
the conversation ended up nowhere but yet i saved the conversation and my thoughts still linger with the idea that maybe just maybe it was someone in pain and i in my folly chose to ignore it.
MORAL OF THE STORY: too obvious!

bad journalist!

2005-09-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

GIRL, INTERUPTED

Just because I walk staring straight ahead and usually bump into things or trip over doesn’t mean I am goofy. I am a Clinical Psychology major. Just because my cell phone is bright yellow and I usually wear green socks, doesn’t mean I am zany. I am a Clinical Psychology Major. Just because I know the difference between a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist does not mean I am well informed. I am a Clinical Psychology Major. The last thing though ironic is true. Ironic because even Clinical Psychology Majors don’t know the difference ………at least most of them and true, well that’s how it is! Ever since I took the plunge and ended up at Centre for Clinical Psychology I have found that all my playful little eccentric ways have been attributed to my psychologiness. A feature all laymen identify with us. At first I was confused but then by the process of habituation I not only grew accustomed but there came a time, I actually started feeling precious. This whole process evolved a period of time and is not just the result of habituation or in other words stubbornness.
It started, when in college I took up psychology as one of my elective subjects. Unfortunately, I was a science student before that and even more unfortunately got good grades so naturally everyone had expected me to become a noble “doctor”. However I had as good thoughts about doctors and studying medicine, as a daughter-in-law would have for her “Saas”(mother in law, its a phenomenon in our society!). Hence rebellious as I am I took up the weirdest elective combination (weirdest for the usual, pre-medical, pre-engineering and general science students) including Psychology. But let’s forget whatever happened in those two years of intermediate seems insignificant and far away. At the time of admission, in Bsc. Hons. , I was the only one from my whole psychology class at college who opted to major in Clinical Psychology which at least in my knowledge nowhere else except Punjab university offers in Lahore (hats off to us!) Ahh! After that everything went upside down…not for me readers…for people who knew me and I still regretfully do. My relatives would say “Arey beta yeh kis field ko lai ker baith gaye ho!”("oh good heavens dear! what the hell have you chosen for a carrer"..another social taboo) etc. In reply, if I would merrily exclaim that I find going to the Mental Hospital fun, their jaws would drop 10 feet down; elderly aunties would say “Astagfirrulah!”("god forgive her!"),“Tauba tauba”("i seek Gods forgiveness"), less elderly aunties would securely take their children away from me and uncles would merely give me a look, of an indescribable emotion…. at least we had read about it in our course. My friends, well at first couldn’t come out of the shock that I am leaving college and then apparently, very relieved, slowly stopped all communication with me.
Later came the stage where as a student at CCP I found that life was a little too academic. I vowed that I would not rest until I had done something about it—I vowed and then went into a slumber till we had taken our mid term exams. By this time I had come to realize that in this small department I study, I’d soon become some nameless faceless being, studying, studying and just studying… (a trend our poor ADCP seniors cant help following). Suddenly, jolted back from a state of stupor, the aggressive heroine inside me woke up and decided to initiate a newsletter cum magazine created out of the minds of Clinical Psychology students. This was actually a highly unachievable task since at first I had only the support of my per kitty Smurfet but later on by means of begging, pleading and finally threatening managed to pull up an editorial team that would do all the dirty work for me. Finally as I proudly showed everyone the final formatted version of my high handed slave drivery I realized that being a Clinical Psychology major wasn’t too bad after all.Atleast i successfully demonstrated the results of my newly acquired trait of "assertiveness" to the general public's misfortune...
NOTE: The newsletter of which this article was a part is still under consideration by the head of the department who refuses to like all the editorial team's attempts at journalism. Hence the so-called slave drivery and "assertiveness" has moslty gone to the misfortune of the editor, which would be me!